I can't do this any longer

I can't write anymore.
Not because I gave up on you, or whatever my mind thinks this is.
Not because the feeling has changed and my flowers stopped growing, and my tears have dried and I can now sleep eight hours straight.
Because that's nearly impossible when my heart seems to get out of my chest whenever I feel his presence, and my dreams give me the reality I wish I was able to have.
I feel like I've never felt this before.
This craving.
This necessity to be as close as I can to you.
I can't do this anymore because it hurts.
It hurts so much.
It hurts because I keep pretending that is going to be okay. That we are going to be okay.
But I don't even know if you feel the same.
It hurts because I don't know what will happen.
And it hurts even more because I've figured out that I probably will never have you.

So what's even the point

You are a virus

It's like a virus. Spreading throughout my gates.
Not a bad one, it's not killing me.
It's giving me life.
You are giving me life and if I ever stop this, if I ever find myself away from you, I don't know what will happen to me.
I won't ask for more as long as I get to have you.

Did I made it happen

I'm not sure if I've become acquainted with the feeling or if I just have chosen to ignore it over time, but right now it has come to a point where I can barely sleep or think straight at most times.
It's just there.
Everywhere.
Every time.
And now, it even keeps it's presence when I try to ignore it. It's unsettling.
A constant reminder of how unfair I can be.
Sometimes I tell myself that it wasn't my choice. Sometimes, even, I say that if I could stop it, I would. Or at least I try to convince myself of that.
I  wonder what my excuse for this will be.
I guess I'm in too deep anyway, since I've been writing about it for too long now.
Anyway, it's happening and I can't keep blaming time for it, I can only blame myself.
But what is there to be blamed?

How to kill a desire

Time.
I can't do this without it.
I can't kill a desire without time.
I need time to explore this feeling and I keep wanting more. More time sitting on his unmade bed, more frequencies of his voice and more intense contact from his eyes. I crave his touch even though I never felt it.
That's why I need time. I need time for things to happen.
I need more of it.
But still it is not enough.

A feeling

Something I don't understand.
A feeling.

It's getting closer

Part of me knows, another part just doesn't want to admit it.

It gave me more than a tragedy

It intrigues me; time.
It's the main reason why I'm still writing and the reason why I haven't deleted this nonsense just yet. It's messed up but I kind of see some beauty in it, in this tragedy.
To want something you can't have, that's a real tragedy.
Still time....it gave me something.
Something I don't want to let go.
Someone to fight for.
Someone that gives me time.